Savin' Me
by Jamfan2000
Summary: Pam deals with heartbreak, a different way then most expected, especially Jim. -You know it has fluffy fluff fluff. Reviews make the color of the clouds change;
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! Yes I have started a new story! I'm excited about it and I hope you are too! ;) Anyway, don't worry I'm still working on the After Dundies and Sweet Surprise, so those should be up shortly! Hopefully by the beginning of next week! This is set in season 3, and of course Jim and Karen are dating by this point, (wouldn't be as fun to write if they weren't) and Pam deals with the heartbreak and loneliness without Jim. Enjoy to the max :D **

**Chapter 1:** _**Bright Colors & Stale Soda**_

A slight bang erupts me from my thoughts as I lean down and grab my grape soda. Even my break doesn't feel the same anymore. I glance out from the break room, peeking through the kitchen seeing Jim facing towards me. I will never get used to him sitting there, even if I can read the back of Jim's neck. I see his eyes flicker up to mine and my breathing stops completely. Nobody else is visible to me as I continue to stare into his conflicted eyes. I see the old Jim in there. I can almost feel his familiar warm smile or the way he would stare at me when he thought I wasn't looking, or the way his eyes glowed with love on that one night outside the warehouse. Then the new Jim comes out and grazes me with its undefined coldness.

I break the stare feeling his eyes on me as I walk back into the backroom. I slump down into one of the chairs and sigh miserably. I miss him. I mean I _really_ miss him. I feel tears press against my eyelids as I shake my head forcing them away. I feel a soft vein inspire me as I get up in search of a piece of paper. Ironically, in a paper company there isn't much paper lying around to grab. My notebook is at my desk but I didn't really want to go back and get it, not after he caught me staring at him. I give up and grab and napkin right beside the microwave.

I pull out the pencil styled into my air that I had read about in Artist Daily. I slowly start to sketch an outline of a small hand dragging on the surface of the napkin. I cough lightly and grab a taste of my soda.

My drink doesn't even taste the same. My head starts to pound heavy against my skull as my eyes feel as if they might pop out of my head. I rub my head gently. I feel my body weaken just a little more.

My stomach growls and I instinctively place my hand on top of it.

"Hungry Beesly?" I hear him say. My whole body freezes. He felt it too. He felt the hurt the pain; he misses me just like I miss him. He read my mind, he knew I needed help. I'm almost afraid to say anything. Like I'm almost not supposed too. I feel my heart heavy in my chest and I'm sorely shaking.

When I don't respond he comes around and stands in front of the soda machine that opens itself up to me. "Pam are you okay?" his face almost screaming 'panic' if I had waited a little longer. I slowly look up at him, and his expression changes.

"Pam you're so pale, what's wrong?" I feel myself start to bounce into different shades of colors. I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't really feel anything. I feel my breathing coming undone as I somehow get up.

"Bathroom" was all that was said before tripping on the edge of the chair and falling to the ground. I hurtful moan comes out of my mouth as I feel Jim at my side in less than a second.

"Oh Pam!" his face now outlined in the darkness. More panic is read as I move in and out of darkness my body wavering

"Jim" is all I can say before I feel him gather me into his arms trying to get me focused.

The break room light never seemed so bright.

**I know you want more, don't be afraid to click the button, review review review.**

**Hope you guys are having a great summer! **

**-Jamfan2000- **


	2. Chapter 2

**Yay this story is coming a lot faster than most of mine ha-ha. Probably because I already had a lot of this written. Anyway enjoy the show ;)**

**Chapter 2: **_**Take Me Away**_

"Pam! Pam! It's going to be okay" I hear him softly say, almost like he is trying to convince himself, but I won't jump to any conclusions. I move my head against his chest trying to find reality slipping through my veins. My fingers grip his shirt and for a moment I feel content and just want to stay here forever, the next moment I just want to be knocked out with hammer, with my head continuing its mundane rhythm.

"Pam please say something!" his voice on the edge. I almost feel like smiling thinking his sweet caring personality hasn't changed along with everything else. "Jim" I say again my voice barely audible. That's all I can say, really that's all I have to say.

"It's okay Pam, you're okay" his breathing slowly tries to pull itself together. His pause lasted a lot longer than I thought it would. "We gotta get you to a hospital okay?" that phrase quickly emerges as if almost it was leaving a bad taste in his mouth.

I feel myself nod but only once. His arms collide more tightly around me; His soft hands holding onto my sides and to my back. If I wasn't feeling so weak I might have felt like I was walking on the clouds.

I feel him lift me from the slick break room floor and into the air, feeling his arms shake ever so lightly. I feel him open the door to the office and a new breeze hits me in the face.

I immediately hear "Is she okay?" erupt through the whole office. I even hear Karen, who then immediately stops, seeing that he was holding me. I didn't have to look to see what she did, I just knew. I attempt to move my head closer to his chest once we past her desk as if maybe I can hide. I hear Jim say a soft response of "She will be" to all the questions that provoke a staring contest at me.

Somehow throughout my whole determination to hide from everyone's faces, Jim gathers our stuff and brings me out of the office. Relief does great justice even in the worst of pains. Suddenly as we step into the elevator I feel him tap his foot impatiently waiting for the doors to close then out of nowhere Dwight pops up, with a tired looking Michael behind him.

"Hey, what's going on?" Michael's frenzy on the loose again. To much of my dislike, instead of Jim making a crack about what Michael and Dwight were doing he simply said "She has to go to the hospital" I have never heard him so serious.

"Oh no was there blood?" Michael panics. "No" Jim replies annoyed, somehow getting the elevator doors to close faster. The last thing that was heard was Dwight, "I'm on it!" And truthfully, it wasn't as bad as I pictured that moment to be. I graciously thank him by squeezing his shoulder. I can almost see through my eyelids him staring down at me. I try to keep my fingers strong, but they only seem to grow weaker. This only makes his arms grow stronger.

"Stay with me Pam" his soft voice entering my thoughts. "Please" his heartbroken whisper breathing against me. I am not sure if the pain is making this warm feeling inside of me or if it's Jim. I feel his head pressing against mine for a couple of seconds almost like he is trying to take the pain away from my body.

I try to open my eyes up to him, but end up just laying my head on his shoulder. His fingers graze my side and that's all I think about. How I feel in his arms. Seems as If forever comes before the doors of the elevator finally open.

I successfully open my eyes and try to take in the bright sun light bursting through the doors. With his long legs and swift movements we are already near the glass doors in two strides. Thankfully, Harold opens the door for us and I silently thank him for not making my head ram against the doors.

I somehow muster up a slight chuckle as Jim looks down at me. "What?" he looks more confused than ever but to me it has to be the cutest face I have seen in a while.

My eyes get to look up at him for the first time in about a good 15 minutes. His eyes are so deep with emotion that I can barely keep them occupied on his.

"Just thanking Harold for making sure I didn't eat a part of that glass door" my voice thinning out at the seams.

I feel his small chuckle envelope my body. "Well Beesly hate to break it to you, but I could never make you eat glass door, no matter how much I wanted to" his teasing voice making me bring some more chuckle to the air.

I attempt a smile up at him, but that only lasts a second because the sun makes me dizzy. "You're lucky this wasn't the other way around Halpert" I mumble into his shirt. I automatically feel him tense up and grip tighter, almost like he came back down to what was really going on.

"I wish it was" his whisper so low, as if I wasn't supposed to hear it.

Tears start to fill underneath my eyelids. There's always something in the way. First Roy, now Karen. It's like an endless test of our love for each other. From this feeling swarming in my body I just want to curl up in his arms all day and let the pain drips through our fingertips, but a cringe in my stomach makes me think that it wouldn't just go away.

I groan very softly as not to alarm Jim and wait for him to open the car door. Of course though, he sees my pain without actually looking. "You okay? Did I hurt you?" His face stained with guilt. "No" I promised. Definitely not hurting me" the last of my words drifting to my eyes sweetly gazing into his as he sits me down in his car, the drifts of vanilla swarming my senses.

His eyes seemed darker, and his smile seemed softer, as he buckled me in carefully. He was so close that just moving up an inch our lips would have met in a duel. I didn't move and for a second he didn't either. For those few moments I didn't feel pain, I didn't feel remorse, I didn't feel anything really.

His beautiful eyes could have kept me there forever, but a distant voice struck our moment.

**Ah and another chapter ends! Chapter 3 up soon. **

**Review make these fingers work harder ;)**

**Hope you enjoyed! **

**-Jamfan2000-**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey everyone! I just want to thank my awesome readers for your great reviews! I'm working on part 4 right now, along with my other stories so I hope to keep you guys from waiting, like sometimes it ends up to be. Again I appreciate all of your feedback, and Enjoy. ;) **

**Chapter 3: **_**The Burn of White and the Indestructible**_

"Jim!" I should have known this was bound to happen. I look in the review mirror and see Karen's body swiftly walking towards the car. I feel Jim close the car door, secretly mad at him for shutting me out of the conversation, but then I hear her tone outside of the car and it makes sense now.

"What's going on is she okay?" and for me, all I heard was "_You just can't leave alone for one second can you_?"

"Yea, I just have to get her to a hospital" I hear his voice in a rush as he walks around to the other side of the car. 'When will you be back?" her voice almost screaming hurt. "I uh..." he starts "I don't know"

She shakes her head then says "okay" taking glances between Jim and I before leaving it on the back of his car. I wasn't facing her way but I could feel it. Jim then gives a slight apologetic shrug then jumps in the car next to me. My eyes are closed and my head is lying towards the window. The pain is rising in my body as my head throbs and my body aches. _Oh please just end this pain_. I silently beg the oxygen around me. 

"Pam!" his voice more over the edge than I have ever heard. I try to lift my head as quick as I could to show him I'm still awake but the ache makes it harder. "Stay awake for me Pam" I hear his whisper and I want fall into his arms again, they seem to be the only safe place for me now. I take a deep breath and he looks over at me with a silent question, putting one of his hands on top of mine. I force a small smile on my face as I tenderly move my fingers so they grip his between each of his soft ones.

I see a soft smile erupt on his face through the corner of my eyes and it makes me drift back into the window, my cheeks getting a rush of the coldness from the glass.

The rest of the ride seemed a blur. The next thing I knew I heard the engine cut off, and the door on my side opening. I try and attempt to step out but he stops me, grabbing me around the waist and lifting me up from the car. "Jim, I'm pretty sure I can…."he cuts me off as I find that maybe the silence in the car has reinvented my voice. "Pam you're incredibly weak. You are not walking like that" I just nod and lean against him. I feel a warm splash in the bottom of my stomach at his "taking control" attitude. I could not be more inappropriate than I am right now. I feel so weak yet I can't force my mind away from Jim. True love really is indestructible.

I hear the magical doors of the emergency room open automatically with a loud creak and the slight warm air blisters my forehead. I move my head farther down into his shoulder, slowly moving into his neck, almost like I am hiding from the world. Not wanting anyone to see me. Voices around me are slurring and I am having a hard time putting them together.

"I've got her" I hear Jim's soft yet deep voice talking to a nurse as I feel him stop at the front desk.

He quickly talks to the nurses, as I keep drowning out everything. I close my eyes tightly holding him tighter. Finally after the voices stopped, I feel him move again. I start to feel a tad dizzy from the movement, so I try to push my head as far as it will go into him. He starts to rub my back slowly, as he whispers to me, "Everything's going to be okay Pam". I hear a door open and the coldness pierces my skin, as the faint hospital smell envelops my nose.

I feel him set me down on a cold bed, and I immediately want to go back into his arms, like a scared puppy. "Hey shh, you're okay Pam" his voice comes back to me, as I feel his arms grasping me gently, making me feel less afraid. My eyes close again and another voice interrupts the peace.

"Pam stay awake for me" another man's voice leers over my head, the sternness clearly present. I attempt to open my eyes, and I see a dark haired man in a white coat. My eye's close again from the burn of the white.

"Pam, how are you feeling right now?" the same voice asks.

"Sick" I breathe out and all of my power to use words are gone.

I feel my whole body turn to ice as my head spins faster.

"Pam" Jim's sweet voice enters my ear, and that's the last thing I hear.

I feel black and white blink in front of me. I hear a short beep, and suddenly Jim's not next to me anymore.

More people surround me, as Jim gets farther, "Pam!" And sooner than that he's gone.

The white light takes over my eyelids and a few moments later, my body goes numb and I finally give into unconsciousness.

**I kept thinking what I was going to do with Karen in the beginning still being with Jim and all, and I've decided I am going to make it a little more exciting than just ending their relationship right away. Trust me Jam fans, I am a fluff expert! It's always worth it in the end isn't it? Anyway thanks so much for reading! **

**Reviews make the stars grant your wish ;) **

**-Jamfan2000-**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Hey all! I am sorry for the late update; I was working so hard on it trying to make sure it was just right! I hope you guys enjoy!**_

**Chapter 4: **_**The Unexpected and Colored Dots**_

It's the sound of the harsh beeping that wakes me into the light, and the weakness of my body that seems to be taken a hold and pressing me to the broken bed. I try to move my fingers, but they seem tight and uneven. The air in my lungs seems less attentive. My body is playing numb but all I can feel is a tender hand grasped between my own. My eyes soon become watery from the sun taking a hold of them.

I roll my head to the other side to see whose hand this is and it appears that it's holding on for dear life.

My eyes are slowly clearing up when I see the face of the man I had last seen. His chin is leaning on the metal bar as his thumb rubs my hand slowly, almost memorized by it.

"Jim" I try to mutter. Thankfully it was successful. His eyes jump to mine as he lifts his head.

"Pam!" his face breaks out into a beautiful smile as he moves closer to me, now holding my hand clasped with his on his lap. "I'm so glad you're awake" he whispers squeezes my wrist.

"Mmmm" I make soft noise to reply, giving a very small smile.

"I'm glad you're here" I finally reply after a few minutes. He smiles and looks down at our hands gently running a finger over mine, and I can tell he is deep in thought.

"Me too" his voice soft, giving. I move my head and look out the window at the open sky. If I squint my left eye I can almost see my body outside floating in the cool sunny air, just able to feel every part of my body. With that frame of mind, I feel the relaxation fly through my muscles.

It wasn't until I heard his voice when I kicked myself out of the daydream and fell back into my own somewhat nightmare.

"Pam?" I turned towards him again and I hadn't realized that there were tears in my own eyes.

"Hey" concern chipping through as he moves closer. My head slowly starts to kick in and out with a headache.

"Are you okay?" his hand moves against my cheek and I close my eyes immediately, not realizing how amazing his touch feels. I nod absent mindedly, almost wanting to say no so he could keep his hand there. As if he read my mind he does keep it there just a tad longer, softly stroking my cheek.

"What's going on with you Beesly?" he whispers, almost heartbreakingly so. I let some tears roll underneath my eyelids. "It's been a horrible month" I start with my confession. It's like I almost feel his ears come closer, taking in my words.

His hand slowly runs down my cheek sort of letting go of me, but staying close. "I just don't really know where to start" I stutter taking a deep breath.

"It's okay, just take your time" although I can tell his voice was drained with frustration of not knowing what's going on. I didn't want to tell him. It's too much right now truthfully but I guess he would have to find out some time.

"I don't know what really came over me, I just I umm…." I was interrupted by familiar looking man in a white coat. "Hello Pam" his voice leaked with as it seems information that almost pours from his lips. I mentally scoff and yet secretly pleased. "I'm Dr. Stone" Jim looked a little disrupted himself, but he soon wiped it off and turned his attention to the doctor.

"How is she doing?" Jim immediately runs from his lips before he can stop it.

"Well according to her charts here, her iron levels are very low, and the same for her blood pressure." He pauses and looks down at his chart. I slightly panic as I look towards Jim who doesn't keep his eyes off me. "There has been some severe flu symptoms that had these similar of symptoms. The problem is your symptoms are more associated with anorexia nervosa then the flu." I feel like passing out. I can't breathe anymore when I feel Jim's body stiffen near mine. It's like I need to hang my head out of the window to feel the air because my body doesn't feel real. My head is suddenly pounding the room around me spins. I lay back down.

"Ms. Beesly?" I hear the other man's voice towards the back of the room.

"I'm okay" I somehow mutter out closing my eyes briefly. "Take deep breathes Pam" Jim whispers.

I feel his hand on my stomach and I can't help the butterflies softly generating from his touch. The room slows down. I lean into Jim and take in all the breathes I can take.

"Could you explain more because I don't think I understand" Jim softly whispers and I look up to him and see the tears pressed under his eyelids.

The man across the room coughs gently and starts to speak with sensitivity on the tip of his tongue.

"Well anorexia is unfortunately a common eating disorder and a physiological disorder in which a person would attempt to lose weight using out of control strategies, such as overusing diet pills, laxatives, etc. Now in Ms. Beesly's case this isn't exactly what is causing this. However, we did find that she couldn't have been eating too much in the last couple of weeks, maybe even months, because of her low blood pressure levels. We definitely have to keep her over night to make sure that her body gets the nutrition that it needs." I let a couple of tears fall down my cheek as Jim's face seems awfully pale.

"So you're saying she was starving herself?" His voice barely heard.

My heart stopped, it wasn't the way it was supposed to be. He wasn't supposed to find out. It really wasn't supposed to keep going the way it did. Most days I didn't do it on purpose, I just wasn't hungry anymore, and it was ridiculous and crude. I don't know what's happening to me. I can't think anymore as I let the tears fall. The doctor glances between the both of us, no emotion evident.

"What I'm saying is, is that there was not consumption of food, and there are no signs of any other possible illness according to her tests that we ran"

The doctor's words seem to have gone right through Jim's ears because he wasn't even looking at him anymore, he wasn't looking at anything anymore. "I think I need some air" he whispers almost to me. I breathe in an attempt to stop the silent tears that have erupted on my face. I watch as Jim gets up and walks out of the room. My heart walks with him.

"Here are some brochures that I think you may want to look over" He says to me handing me a couple of them from the front of his chart, oblivious to Jim walking out. I don't say a word to him.

"I'll be back in a while to check on you" was the last thing he said before he was gone too. The coldness seemed to have trapped around me as the tears continue to fall. I glance down at the brochures.

**Eating Disorders** **and the Disease. Anorexia Nervosa & Anorexia Bulimic. The Life of a Anorexic. **

The words make me shutter. I tightly squeeze the pamphlets cursing myself for letting any of this happen. For letting it get so far. I lay back against the hard rock pillow and look over towards the overly bright window, it takes me in. My eyes suddenly break out into dots in front of me. I get lost in the colors.

_**Thus ends another chapter ;) hope you guys enjoyed. Truthfully when I first started this I didn't know what her sickness was going to be, but as I kept going over and over different sicknesses and things I decided on this. Of course Pam is really out of character for this but I really like where this is going. I hope you guys do too! ;)**_

_**Next Chapter coming soon! **_

_**Review and you get candy! **_

_**-Jamfan2000-**_


	5. Author's Note

**Authors note**: Just wanted to put out there that there was some question or some assumption that I had copied some words from "She Dreams In Color" and I can't express enough that in honesty I had not plagiarized what so ever. Everything I have written in my own work, and I do apologize for the alike wording, but understand that I did not copy from that story. It's a really good story and I would never want to jeopardize or take someone else's work because I understand that it does suck. I more importantly apologize to the author , **givehereffervescence** for this whole thing. I will even take down my most recent chapter and change it if that's what it takes to prove that I did not plagiarize.

I hope that everyone understands, and if not I am sorry. I can't prove that I didn't which makes it even harder to prove that I didn't do it. I am truly sorry to my readers also, for even given anyone that slightest hint that I am that kind of writer.

Thanks, Jamfan2000.


	6. Chapter 5

**Hey everyone! I just want to thank everyone for your great reviews and for being so awesome with that whole mix up. So this chapter was pretty fun to write, (which all of them are) mostly because the dialogue flowed together, so I'm pretty excited the way it came out. I hope you guys Enjoy! ;)**

**Chapter 5: **_**The Zone of Desperation & a Distraction**_** –(Jim's POV) **

The pressure inside me is too much for me to handle as I sit back against the concrete. This can't be right. They must have switched her charts because Pam deliberately starving herself, it just doesn't even sound right, it doesn't even sound normal. I shake my head from the tears that slowly cast down my cheek. Why would she do this to herself? What could have came over her mind to do such a stupid thing? She's perfect, she's so perfect. She's killing herself. She's fucking killing herself.

This pain is becoming way too much for me as a few sobs exit my lips hitting my head once against the concrete, almost trying to shake something in my head to wake myself up from this nightmare.

I close my eyes and feel the cool breeze past by head marking its territory on my cheek.

"Oh Pam" I spit out amongst my tears.

My legs are sprawled out in front of me seeping into the concrete. A few moments later my heart seems to lie there as well. My vision is temporarily blurred. My hands bury themselves in my hair. I soon run out of tears, just in time to see that I couldn't even try to cry anymore.

I take a deep breath and my eyes fall suddenly against the sidewalk. I get lost in a zone of desperation and my eyes don't move. I stay steady in my comfort, looking at faraway places, thinking of far away things.

A moment of distraction blinds me as I see a familiar figure come up beside me. I shudder with a slight of uneasiness. Why would you step out of the fire just to walk around when you could walk straight through to get to the other side?

"It's not fair is it?" the voice starts already sounding on the edge.

"No" I reply, not bothering to look up.

I feel their eyes turn in the other direction away from me, then to quickly turn back to show the face of tears.

"More unfair to me though" I look up at the harsh words and before I say anything I feel the truth sparking within me. It wasn't fair. In this case for either of us, but more of unfair for her.

"I'm sorry Karen" my words strike the sky with the most powerful of things. She doesn't seem threatened by it. she just turns away and asks softly "What's wrong with her?"

I didn't really want to say it because I know more than anything, it was barely my business, much less my business to be spreading around.

"Just really sick" is my only reply, when I close my eyes briefly feeling their weakness.

I hear her sigh and shake her head slightly. "I wish you cared about me the way you care about her" I feel tears breaking from her voice. Before I can say anything she just shakes her head and says, "Don't"

I hear a shudder breath and I look over at her, she's rewrapped herself in her jacket and I can tell that she is slowly falling of anything we could have ever had. I wish I could say the same because really I never had any feelings to fall out of with her.

I then feel her eyes staring at me, I'm almost afraid to look, but I give in. she deserves that at least. She observes my eyes and say, "That bad huh?"

I just nod silently and don't say a word.

"Was anything you told me true? " the last of her lips breathing exhaust. "I mean did we ever have anything that was actually the truth?"

"There was Karen" my voice more emotionless than it was a few minutes ago. "You're a great person"

"Cut the "I'm not into you" bullshit. If I wanted subtitles I would have asked" she snaps. I deserved it, and she deserved a real answer, but honestly I couldn't give her one.

The silence cuts me hard. I hear a small sniffle. "I wanna hate you and say that you were just like the rest of the men I go out with" a slight pause makes me look up at her, who now has a small tear on her other cheek. I feel like scum underneath a shoe.

"But you weren't. you were so different and that's what makes this so much harder, but turns out even the greatest guys have a mask of disguise" and with that she stands up abruptly and walks away, wrapping her arms around her waist. I massage my temples with the softest of measure.

Before I knew it, she disappeared around the corner, the never ending leave of heartbreak still stuck to my shirt like an old stain.

I stand up slowly feeling my legs wobble beneath me, I hold the brick wall for balance. It's time to stop mourning over the past, and spend more time worrying about my future that's lying in the hospital bed.

I exhale then grab a hold of the metal door handle, briefly looking into the glass reflection. My eyes are really red now, but I can't seem to adjust their color. I open the door finally feeling the cold breeze break my sudden existence as I walk towards the pale door near the end of the hall.

**And…. Thank you for reading ;) Be sure to check out my newest post, "The Jam Project" and tell me what you think. The next chapter will be Jammed up, just had to get Jim's side in there somewhere. **

**Hope you enjoyed!**

**Reviews will save a puppy **

**-Jamfan2000-**


	7. Chapter 6

_**Hey everyone! I'm sorry for the long wait on this chapter, and anyone who's read "The After Dundies" knows I have been having a terrible writer's block! Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy!**_

_**(Who else is excited about the season six on DVD?) ;D**_

**Chapter 6: Tears to a Blue Bird**

It was brief, my eyes breaking the sun before I let it break me, and leave water drops against my cheeks.

My sniffles could be heard from the guy down the hall if he would just listen. I clearly have the most power for breaking that man's heart because I always seem to in one way or another.

I squeeze the sheets that seem to be stuck to my body making me feel the hot and sweaty. The tears I have shed had made me a lot more tired but I refuse to sleep. Honestly, the look on Jim's face would keep me awake for days, no matter how much sleep I needed.

I close my eyes only for a moment, trying to collect any sense that I have left. When I open them again I see a familiar figure standing against the door frame.

"Jim" I breathe, looking into his red, eyes. I almost start to cry again thinking he has been crying over me. Another broken heart shouting at me. He walks in slowly almost cautiously, not looking directly at me.

I move my body so I am sitting up. I really feel the weakness setting in as I hold my head up, feeling slightly dizzy. He sits down beside me, where he had been before, but he seems so far away, so distant and it's so remorseful. I can tell words our moving in and out of his brain as he looks around the room.

"What…" he starts, feeling himself getting choked up by tears again. I try to hold every sense of my being together.

"Why?" Was all he said before he quickly was covered his face, leaving me with no emotion left to see. I hear small sniffles, and my eyes slowly begin to fill up with tears.

"Jim" I repeat again reaching out to him, attempting to grab some part of him to get his attention.

He takes another breath and looks up to me tears spreading out like clouds, I feel my bones break with every piece of flesh still intact. Nothing could be more painful than this image I caused. I reach out and grab his hand that moves up to sit beside me, taking me into his arms, both of us shuddering with tears.

"Why Pam? Why are you doing this?" he mutters into my shoulder. I cradle his head, letting both of our tears run out, not being able to control our emotions anymore.

"It wasn't supposed to happen" I cry holding on as tightly as I could. "It wasn't supposed to be like this" My eyes feeling duller as it continues on.

He breaks suddenly, and looks seriously into my eyes, "What happened?" He attempts to take a deep breath and calm down but it seems useless when you're drowning in tears. "Please" he breaths out, on the edge of another break down. "I couldn't deal with the pain anymore" I start, with the deepest of meaning, even though in my head I wanted to say "I couldn't deal with you dating Karen anymore.

"And it wasn't my first thought to stop eating, it just happened." I wipe my tears that force themselves to come. I feel my throat close up and my eyes swell a little more. His arms cradle me as his eyes watch every word spill out of my mouth.

His eyes flash guilt behind the tears. I attempt to hold his gaze as I hide the truth behind my eyes. His mouth opens to speak. "Pam, I..." a white blur brushes ahead of me, except this time it's not so much a blur anymore.

"Hi, Pam Beesly. I'm Dr. Whineburg" the voice interrupts. I glance up and see a dark haired woman stirring with her clipboard.

"How are you feeling?" her voice prompt and professional, yet a soft feel that I can't grasp. "Okay" I reply swiping my face with my hands. Jim let's go of me and sits in the chair again and I feel the familiar distance burning under my skin.

"It seems your iron levels have seems to be pacing so far, not much has changed. A tray of food will be coming up soon, but please don't rush yourself." Her stern voice catches my eye. "Don't force yourself to eat it all, and more importantly don't eat fast" she glances down at her clipboard again, and I begin to feel like I'm living with my parents again, getting lectured on my bad behavior. I feel Jim's eyes on me, as I glance out towards the window, my eyes following a small blue bird that perches himself up against the glass. For a moment I just want to talk to the bird, and I feel like he's here to help me.

I feel his hand rest on top of mine, breaking me back down to earth. "Miss Beesly?" Her voice soaked in worry.

"Yes?" I shake the foolishness from my head and look over at her. "Are you alright?" a little voice in the back of my head nagging me. _Do I look alright? _ "I'm fine" my reply covered in apathy.

"As I was saying, you may need to go to a group session for Eating Disorders at least once a week"

The pain dwells in my eyes. "No, I don't think so" I mutter loud enough for everyone to hear. "I really insist on it" her tone still the same. "Well I don't!" I snap, my head feeling as restless as my body, yet weaker.

"Pam" Jim says softly, clearly shocked by my outburst. I shake my head and don't say anything, not even a glance towards the doctor. A quick glance towards Jim, who looks even more undone then the moment he heard the news, then back at the bird again, who now looks across the city with some sort of peace in his eyes. It soothes my body just to watch him.

"Now I can't force you to go, but I will say if nothing gets better you will have to stay in the hospital until everything's back to normal" I want to scream out loud just to make her ears hurt and then suddenly I feel like a crying teenager. "Just please consider it" her tone softer looking directly at me.

"Okay" I reply feeling myself growing up again. She nods taking glances at both Jim and I and walks out clipboard almost turning from brown to white due to her massive grip.

"Pam" he whispers softly to me, as I once again watch the blue bird. I feel his fingers stroke my hair, attempting to get my attention. I abruptly fall into Jim's arms searching for significance.

He sinks into my embrace as I feel my eyes close just wishing he would take me away from here, letting go of everything that's happened, and to start over maybe even move. My eyes refuse to open as I hear his voice.

"We are going to get through this okay?" his whisper taking a harder toll on me than I thought it would.

My eyes start to melt away as he lies down with me, my cries silent to everything around me. Just before I close my eyes again I catch the bird staring at me, his blue eyes set in stone.

_Thank you so much for reading! _

_Review and hug Jim!_

_-Jamfan2000-_


	8. Chapter 7

_**Hey everyone, I'm sorry this took a little longer to post, but I hope the wait was worth it! I love Andy's Play, can't believe how hard I laughed. Oh Michael. Anyway, Hope you guys enjoy! :D**_

**Chapter 7: Home sweet Isolation**

"Are you okay?" his soft voice breathes towards my being as I walk across my dimly small apartment. I suddenly realize why this apartment wasn't worth much without three kitchens. I take a deep breath and move towards the couch, his arm protecting my back from falling to pieces like my body feels like it should do.

I finally reach the couch and he sets me down, lightly rubbing my back. I sit there frozen in my own dimension as if my spirit lifted from my body and left my body to rot on this couch. I attempt to feel good, especially with Jim here, which should make me want to jump with glee, but in the pit of my stomach I can't help but think about Karen. _Damnit Karen. _ Those words echo in my mind for the next five minutes I'm sitting there alone while Jim is in the kitchen making tea. Something I can still have without my stomach having a hissy fit.

_I look down at the small portions of food in front of me. My stomach churns as I play with the fork that matches the hospital tray almost identically. Jim sits near me, watching me, then away from me, trying to hold himself together. I now find myself wondering if I could ever see myself having this much trouble eating before. The last thing I remember is seeing Jim's face across the break room table our laughter spreading all over the walls. My mixed berry yogurt freshly opened in front of me, aside my French onion sunchips, and Jim munching on a ham and cheese sandwich in front of me .Food was just something to do as we sat together, not the main ordeal. I couldn't concentrate on my food, I was concentrating on Jim. He makes my world shine and looking in his eyes makes my bones shrivel with the greatest of excitement. The dim shining in his eyes were never explored until that night of fun, cards and shuttering silence outside the warehouse. My eyes close as reality faces me hard, swiping me out all at once. Jim softly grips my hand and asked me if I was okay. I shake my head yes, my eyes watering tilting down onto the dark floor, feeling as though other's have found their lost the same way. Jim then whispers that he would be right back and I feel more of myself come undone. The mundane walls stared at me as if though I had something to be sorry for, as if the reason I was here, was my fault. I do not argue with the conspicuous dark painting that hangs in front of me. I feel the tears in the picture from the little boy that stand there watching his mother leave, fading into the darkness, blowing him one last dying kiss. The sudden replica of my life seems to dangle right in front of my face as I feel myself fading away into somewhere I don't recognize. I close my eyes and wonder why such a painting would be hung in a place that could really be overflowing with tears and despair. I do not hear much of anything as my eyes tilt back in my head, letting the tears pass by freely, seeping down my cheeks, filled with remorse with each line it makes. My plate stiff and untouched sits in front of me daring me to eat it. My body then hits sudden exhaustion, feeling no will to pretentiously clear my plate of all the dignity that now hangs upside down by the humdrum painting, lacking any sense of color. _

"_I'm sorry " I whisper into the air, as I sit back against the bed, pushing the tray away from me, letting go of all the effort, it withering next to my unscathed necessities. _

Jim's voice brings me home. "Pam, are you okay?" his voice so gentle and soft. I could cry a million rivers to hear that voice twenty-four hours a day.

"Yeah" I reply re situating myself on the couch, the feeling the warm cup being placed into my hands that leave tender marks against my skin.

He sits down beside me watching me as I take a sip; his face is swollen with concern. I hold my cup in my lap and stare into the dark colors that hold my pupils so close.

A deep sigh is heard from his lips as he sets down his glass on the messy coffee table.

"Please talk to me" his voice seeping out gently, lingering in my mind. My eyes finally meet his, a soothingly red, desperate from crying. My heart sinks into my chest when I see the sorrow boiling in his eyes.

"I don't really know how this happened" my voice starts a little timidly at first. Of course I know how it started but what am I supposed to say? I look away towards my 42 inch TV in the front of the room, in my cheap Target bought entertainment center. My mind spins a little feeling his eyes travel down my body. He looks at me expectantly.

"I just….." my words don't seem to form in any sense. "I think I need to lie down" I grab my head my body spinning faster.

He lets go of everything that was said, and gets up reaching down towards me. I stand with his help but pull away to walk on my own. I can feel the surprise in his movements. Silence takes over as I walk to my bedroom, I can feel his cautious footsteps following me. Timid suddenly walks into my body and it makes me want to scream at Jim for falling into his arms when I shouldn't have. He isn't mine. _He is your friend _my inner voice whispers to me, but then I start to think. How can saying one syllable from one person to another be anything remotely close to friendship. Then I feel his familiar hand on my shoulder and I realize how clueless those thoughts were to reality.

I jump and he lets go. "Are you okay?" he asks softly his eyes built on distress. I nod silently as we reach the bedroom. I feel my legs grow weak with tiredness, my head flooded with congestion. I see my giant calendar on the wall and I pursue towards it, grabbing the pen stuck to the corner. I feel Jim's eyes on me, as he comes closer behind me.

"Hey I can do that for you" he says confidently. "I got it" I reply in an exhausted tone. "Please let me help you" he whispers.

"I don't need help!" I snap angrily. The vibration from my voice making my head dizzy, as I take start writing the times of my snacks slowly. I figure if I am going to get through this I need to at least have it planned.

He looks at me surprised at my tone. I slowly attempt to keep writing until a fiercely cold chill runs through me. "Oh" I groan and rub my arms.

"What is it?" he asks tone a little more cautious. "I'm so cold" I whisper walking to the bed. "Here" he whispers back, moving the crowded purple covers on my bed that leaks spots on the walls with a clear match. I sit down and move my legs under the blankets; he wraps the covers around me tucking me in tightly.

"There" he says with a small smile sitting on the edge, as I still remain sitting myself. "Thank you" I reply my voice softening. His nervous eyes reach mine and we stare for a brief moment. He grabs one of my hands and feels it. "Whew like ice icicles" he replies delicately pulling both of my hands to his lips with his hands curled around mine. I don't have the energy to move, yet I feel no need to. A moment later I feel warm air spread from his lips soaking my hands with heat.

I just continue to stare as he concentrates on getting my hands warm. He looks up at me. "My mom used to do that when I was little, I remember coming in from playing in the snow and my hands were wet and cold. She just grabbed my hands and started to blow hot air on them and it made me feel better." I almost get the urge to smile at his story, but refuse when I feel his warmth again. It suddenly becomes too much to take and I pull my hands away. He looks up at me again, but this time with silence.

"I think I'm just going to get some sleep" I mutter weakly. "Okay" he says patting the bed. I lay down feeling my body giving into the depths of the sheets. By the time he gets up and walks to the door, I'm already half asleep. He mutters something I couldn't understand and cuts of the light. Darkness is once again there to keep me company.

****My body seems tempted in the darkness as I turn over for the hundredth time. I didn't understand how if I was so tired that I wasn't able to sleep. I look over at the clock and groan as the green glowing light hit me. _7:45 pm._ Only 45 minutes past when I first went to sleep. I turn over and forced my eyes closed. I feel my stomach cringe near the top and I bite my lip and pretend that the pain wasn't there.

A few minutes later of indecisive sleep, I roll back on my back and stare at the ceiling. I forever more wish to be those little white cracks that hang above me. I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. When I open them the world is blurry and I can't seem to focus. I sit up to avoid anymore disturbance. I look around my developed room and find myself hooked on the papers on my nightstand.

**Anorexia & It's Symptoms **is the first brochure I pick up and open slowly. My fingers travel down the crease in the middle. My eyes glance over the colored writing, almost briefly laughing as they try to make it a positive issue of a happy life. I find the bolded underlined heading that says "**Eating the Symptoms" I** roll my eyes at the pun and wonder how they can be so stupid to put together a brochure this way. I look down following the bullets.

These symptoms are but not limited to:

Obsession with weight, calories or exercise.

Visual food restriction/ self-starvation

Dramatic weight loss

Dizziness or headaches

Fatigue

Low self esteem, Need for acceptance and approval from others

Complains of feeling cold

Loss of menstrual cycle

Mood swings

Insomnia, poor sleeping habits

My mind is swirling a mile a minute. I can't really feel my hands squeezing the brochure between my fingers. The air in my lungs refuse to cooperate as a small hiccup hits me right in the chest. I feel my eyes start to become blazing hot and the tears trickle down my cheek telling stories on their way down. I suddenly feel the world falling down piece by piece hitting me in the back, overbuilding pressure. The reality of this whole situation was hitting me hard again for the 3rd time that day, as if I was starting to have short memory loss. I look over at the door and feel isolation suck me dry as I think of Jim walking out and closing the door. He's probably back in Karen's arms, happy and nonetheless not thinking about me. The memory of his tears in the hospital makes me think otherwise. I lie back down with my body trembling with fear, anxiety and sleep deprivation. Tears clean my face with the tiny eye lashes that follow. I feel so alone to the world as I face the closed door, almost translucent not being able to disguise my feelings with the cool air that seeps underneath the door slipping under my covers. My eyes travel down and follow the light that flashes at me under the door. It looks as if the light is coming from the TV and for a moment I can feel Jim on the other side, waiting for me to come back.

_**Thanks everyone for reading!**_

_**Don't worry Jim will be a little more involved in the next chapter. **_

_**Reviewing could change your future: D**_

_**-JAMFAN2000-**_


	9. Chapter 8

_** Now this is a true "deeply sorry" this took so long to update. I don't know what happened, well yeah I do…aside from surgery, it was lack of motivation but don't worry I seem to be getting my jive back! Enjoy;)**_

**Chapter 8: The Delusion Inside Reality**

My arms felt heavy against the couch and I couldn't even see the TV blaring in front of me. The only thing I could think about was Pam. I've never seen her so unlike herself. She is pushing me away and I don't know how much I can take of that. I need her like I need to breathe and right now she needs me. Please need me, I silently beg the air. I sit up, and then lay back down several times during this marathon of denial. I finally sit up tired of playing games. I look at the clock. "Only 8:00?" I mutter not realizing when Pam had actually gone to sleep. I glance around the room and it almost makes me smile. It's all Pam, all the paintings on the wall, the colors spreading out everywhere. It's a nice place to live. Maybe it was because she made it this way. Cozy and homey. Maybe it's because she's here. Who knows what I would have noticed if she wasn't here. My eyes hang heavy from all the events that transpired the last couple of days.

My heart still hangs in the air above her head waiting for her to reach up and grab it. I stand up stretching. I look around for something to do. I walk into the kitchen, maybe hoping to be in need of a cleaning spree but there was no mess what's so ever. No dishes in the sink, no food lying out_. I guess there wouldn't be_, I hear my mind whisper. It's mean almost how something like this can bite at you until you are blazing red with grief. I take a better glance around looking down her place. Something on the kitchen counter grabs my attention. The green tea cup I got her last year. I remember the smile she gave me when she it finally retrieved it back. It was the sweetest thing I've seen. I close my eyes and let her smile from my memory try and take over the pain that's been stuck in my stomach since the day at the hospital. I need her to be Pam again. I sigh closing my eyes attempting to retrieve more memories of her smile making them loosen my brain taking everything in. I open my eyes to feel the warmth that spreading throughout the apartment. I walk into the kitchen for a glass of water, finding that my throat keeps getting drier every second.

I stand over the sink gently cutting on the water after picking the first glass that stared at me sitting so delicately in the top cabinet right by the sink. I take a sip leaning over the sink look down at the clear purified water. I have tried so hard to imagine what Pam is feeling. Not eating, feeling weak and small; frail, not being able to sit down and eat a cup of yogurt because of her stomach so used to being empty. I squeeze the counter as I feel a tear drop leaking down my cheek. I just wish I could take away her pain, make her smile again, to make her laugh. I wipe the tear of my cheek angrily, somehow feeling the entire world pushing a pulsing wound on my shoulders. I rub my head finishing the last sip. I wash the glass quietly trying to keep the noise down just like the almost silent TV that blares like lightning against the couch. I hear some noises and my heart stops a little. _Did something happen to her? Did she fall? _ The thoughts rush through my head as I turn to go see and there she was, standing like an angel in front of me.

"Jim?" she asked part shock wrapped around her words. I look into her eyes and see a glimpse of Pam lost in her eyes like the reflection against the sun. I wish I could reach inside of her and pull her out. Bring her home. "Hey..." I reply letting the awkwardness seep in. "Sleep well?" trying to find the right words. She nods slowly. I can't help myself when I feel my arms wrap my arms around her much abnormal waist being as gently as I can, scared of breaking her. "What are you doing here..?" she asks quietly. I look at her for a second heart broken just a little. "Did you expect me to leave you?" I let my arms drift back against her waist. She looks confused, and then shakes her shoulders. "I mean Karen's probably waiting." Her voice is more horse than expected. I was just about to say something when she interrupted. "And you definitely should go be with her I'll be fine."

How could she not understand how serious I am about her? I lean in close and whisper into her ear. "I'm not leaving you." It was a complicated answer and I knew that. She backs out of my embrace which leaves a small cut on my chest. "I don't need a babysitter Jim." she replies agitated. I backtrack fast. "I know, I know. I want to be here. With you." Her eyes turn a certain color and she leans in and hugs me. I gladly accept her into my embrace. After a few moments of her lingering in my arms, I softly speak. "Do you need anything?" I wasn't sure at all how to even go about trying to offer her food in any sorts. I don't know yet what her stomach can fully handle or what it can't. I feel the nerve racking through my body. All I want is for her to be okay. "Maybe some more tea?" her voice so violently soft that it makes me want to burst into tears. "Okay." I smile sweetly and rub her back as I lead her to the couch.

I go into the kitchen and start the stove. I start the substance for tea and I'm barely paying attention. I just keep thinking how good things are starting to look right now. I can feel her, when she hugged me I knew Pam was hugging me. A small smile tugs at my lips. There is hope. I hear a small crash from the living room and I quickly make my way back. "Pam?" panic licking my lips as I move in front of the couch. I feel the color in my face drain. There she was on the floor pale, shaking, and crying. "Pam! Oh my gosh." I wrap her in my arms and hold her as she seeps into my chest. "I fell..." she chokes out not moving from her position. That makes me cringe just thinking of her frail body hitting the floor. "Where does it hurt?" my vocals having trouble speaking. "Everywhere" she whispers. I pick her up off the floor and lay her on the couch. I kneel down next to the couch checking her body for any bruises. The fabric from her pajama pants flick under my hand as I slowly lift it up at the bottom checking her lower half of her legs for any bruises. I hear her breath hitch when I do. She closes her eyes as my fingers make their way around her calf and sure enough there stained a small purple bruise. I let my finger tips very slowly walk over top of it. I hear her hiss softly. "I'm sorry" I breathe not realizing that just me touching her leg is changing the way I take in air.

I pull down the fabric and she looks down at me. Our eyes meet and suddenly I'm up next to her tear strained face. I brush some of the hair out of her face. She looks up at me with so much emotion that It makes me want to lean down and kiss her. I watch as she takes her delicately small hands and puts them in front of her face, as if trying to hide from the world. I reach up and gently move her hands and she looks over at me face completely wet with tears, attempting to hold in her sobs.

"Hey, hey." I whisper leaning up and wrapping my arms around her. "I'm so sorry." She mutters. "What? You have nothing to be sorry for." I reply gently pulling back slightly to move a piece of hair that moved in front of her lips. "I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm so glad you're here. Please don't leave." She sobs into my chest. "What? Pam I'm not leaving. I promise you." I whisper meaningfully. Soon after her tears subside and she pulls me up on the couch. She sits up and I pull her against me. I watch her wipe her tears and leans lightly against me. I kiss her forehead. "So I hear Princess Bride is making a comeback." I say to her after a while of silence. The sound of her laughter makes my ears melt with happiness. "Really now?" she retorts making me fall in love with her all over again. "Yeah, I mean it's all over the news and everything. And I even heard that there will be showing in approximately..." I look down at my watch for exaggeration. "Fifteen minutes." She smiles widely and I almost see Pam in the mist of all this mess. I graze my hand over her back briefly. I almost say, "Should I go ahead and start the popcorn?" but the reality sets me back forcing me to think of something else to make her laugh. Something then hits me. I glance at the clock. _8:30_. is this snack time? Should I just give her a very small dinner? I almost shake my head in frustration, so lost at what to do.

"I uh think maybe you should have a snack….or at least dinner." The words tumble out of my mouth before I even know what's happening. Her smile dies. I felt as if something in the atmosphere changed, for a moment I seen the real Pam who was sitting beside me laughing just we like used to. Then harsh realities come to play. I find her eyes as she nods slightly. I grab her hands shakily as I gaze at them trying to find the right words but unfortunately for me, her anger finds me first. "I'm not hungry" she says simply moving away from me. I feel like I have just been burned with fire. "Pam. Please." I choke out sitting there with my hands stuck to my knees burning them into my bones. She stands shakily. "I can't." I don't even want to believe that those words have come back a second time to haunt me. I look up and our eyes meet for a second that screams true understanding of the words.

The words become strong but not loud as I say them staring at my knee caps. "That's not an option Pam." I almost hear her flinch. The silence kills me as I look up at her watching as her fists grip her sides. She says absolutely nothing as she walks into the bathroom slamming the door behind her. I jump at the sound feeling two wounds pestering my heart. How was it that she was just here? Barely, but I could feel her. She was right here. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair at all. "Where are you Pam?" I whisper quietly before getting up and following the path to her bathroom.

_**YES! So glad to have updated this one already, I kept coming back and back to it and FINALLY I kept forcing myself away from the other stories for a day to finish. Hope you liked it!**_

_**Review: It makes the world a better place. **_

_**-Jamfan2000-**_


	10. Chapter 9

_**Just want to say that you guys are awesome for the reviews! So thank you :D Ah the new season has me intrigued .. Albeit I'm a little worried about what they are going to do with Jim. More importantly Jim and Pam. If you read the spoilers than you know what I'm talking about. I don't want to ruin it for all of those who don't want to hear them. And a way we go! **_

**Chapter 9: Boom**

The intense white door stared at me as I sit against the porcelain bathtub, just waiting for my head to rupture into two. I close my eyes hearing his gentle steps nearing the bathroom. _How could I have screwed this up? He just wants to help, why can't I let him help me? _I exasperate harshly in my mind._ Why can't I do anything right? _ I grow aggravated at the feeling of tears pressing against my achy eye lids. "Pam" I hear whispered against the door. By this point, my body has given up trying to fight anything away, so when the door opens with a loud creak I just follow the different colored dots that splotch my eyes. He appears in front of me, almost making me dizzy and moves to sit down near me.

"Please don't be upset with me Pam." He starts out in a slow heartbreak. I start to loathe myself even more. I feel like I keep breaking him. "I just want to do what's right for you. And I really think that you need something, _anything_ right now." I stay quiet for a good portion of the moment as he just looks on deeply, carefully. "What about a yogurt?" he suggests softly. The tears start to reveal their knives as the stinging sensation almost breaks me.

"_Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me."_

The inward smiles falls at the background turns to black and I turn to grey. _How could I have let this happen to me? _ Jim suddenly holds out his hand silently as if he read my thoughts and was risking himself to pull me out of the water. I grab his hand as he stands up shakily pulling me to my feet. We walk out of the nippy bathroom as I sit down at my small square dining table that sat just between the kitchen and the living room. I watch as Jim opens the fridge and freezes knowing what his eyes are making contact with. He turns his head and looks at me. The paleness in his eyes wallow away at the weakness in mine. "These are from last month?" his question almost rhetorical. I could see the reflection. I know there are a half a dozen yogurts all in a row crowding the top shelf.

I look down at the table ashamed. I feel his hand on my shoulder blade as I duck my head more. It only took a moment to exit the comfort zone of his hand to only feast my eyes on an open mixed berries yogurt in front of me. I feel my stomach do a flip. _Oh what I would give to be back a year before where I sat at my desk with these things while Jim looked over when he thought I wasn't looking. _ I move uncomfortably in my chair. Jim sits across from me handing me my tea and settling in with his own container of yogurt. I move my spoon around the pinkish substance. We both look up at each other at the same time and I read his expression clearly. _You aren't going through this alone. Don't be ashamed. I'm always here for you. _

I was urged silently to take a bite from my yogurt as Jim did the same slowly and cautiously. Almost as if he was trying to get a child to eat. That thought alone made me feel even worse. _The first time he eats in my apartment and it's like this. _ I take the metal spoon and lift it up in the air watching the small portion trying to slide back towards the middle of the spoon. I close my eyes and bring it to my lips. _Come on. You can do this. Don't embarrass yourself in front of Jim. Just Eat! _ Without another glance I put the serving in my mouth. I clench my fingers involuntary on my lap as I feel the gooey substance trying to find my throat. I let a shiver as I watch the bumps on my arm making my hair stand up. It feels like slime washing away in my mouth. I have the urge to heave it right back up on the table, but stop myself looking up at Jim. In that moment my stomach turns roughly and I jump from my seat running towards the bathroom. I hear Jim's footsteps following me. I lean over the toilet and let my feelings spill out all over the place. _How could I be throwing up this much for that much of a spoonful? _ I feel my breathing cut and turn from every angle. I feel Jim come behind me and put his hand on my back. I squeeze my hand again. _ See what you did? Now Jim is disappointed in you. How could you let him down? _ I shift falling stopping, feeling long strands of tears dangling from my cheek.

"Shh.. Pam it's okay." He hushes softly his arms finding their way around my waist barely touching my stomach. His hands start to rub my stomach. "Calm down. Calm down Pam." I sob harder finding the tears breaking stride with every word he whispers. As if in a blur, I find myself moving, being carried through the hallway. I hear a door and I feel my foot touching it as we slide through. He stops suddenly lowering me down onto a familiar sensation. He wraps the sheet around me first then the blanket. I grow achingly tired as I let my held tilt to the side, as my eyes try to adjust to the feeling of something else hitting the mattress.

"Jim?" I whisper. Another shift and I felt his hand pushing my hair back slightly. "I'm right here Pam. Get some rest." His low intense voice makes me drift off further as I feel his body lying next to mine. I shift however and feel the tightness of a weight holding down the blanket. It was then I realized that he was lying on top of the covers. I reach over and grab his hand. I can almost feel his eyes as I intertwine our fingers. For a moment, I feel like I had just reached the lifesaver and Jim was pulling me up.

I wake up hours later when I hear an irate voice from the living room. I move from my bed slowly feeling the aches in my stomach from when I vomited earlier. I move towards the bedroom door that was left cracked and look out. I watch as Jim clutched the phone tightly in his hand as he paced around the living room. Gesturing with his hands widely. "What should I do bring her back to the hospital? I don't know what to do right now. And you are not exactly helping me here." She hears his heavy sigh. "I don't need bullshit answers I just want the truth." He shuttered heavily listening to the last words the other person said and hung up the phone. I watched as he dialed again looking down at a sheet of paper in front of him. "Hello, this is Jim Halpert, I need to speak with someone urgently about a patient that was released yesterday?" He rolled his eyes and I knew that the person must have put him on hold. _Look what you are turning Jim into. A crazy impatient hostile man._ I fight tears as I hear him speak again.

"Yes, this is Jim Halpert. I'm calling about Pam Beesly." The way he said my name was in no way like he had said before. No warmth like he had usually come from his lips as he spoke my name. "Yes, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do and everyone seems to be telling me everything but the truth." I was so lost into the way he used to say my name that I had missed half of the conversation. "No yeah it's tomorrow." A slight pause. "How am I supposed to wait till then?" His nerves coming over to greet me. "Okay, no yeah. Thank you Doctor." He hangs up for the second time and I don't even realize the tears leaking out. I watch as he sits down in the chair facing my door putting his face into his hands. _Look at what you're doing to him. You are killing him. Slowly, but you are killing him. _The tears fall faster as the evil voice keeps talking. _You mine as well take a gun and put it to his head. _ I slide down the wall letting my body hit the floor like a rag doll. Suddenly in the mists of my sobs I hear a small choked back sob. _ I killed him. I broke his heart. I cut it open and let the good things fall out that night outside in the damp cold, watching it fall into a drainage hole. How could I have done that to him? See what you did? _ I clench my fists tightly again. I can almost hear the gun cocking in my head. _Boom._

_**Thanks for reading! I know it got a little crazy near the end, but I was trying to bring out the pain in Pam whose mind is taking her in different dimensions. I really hope you liked it! Oh and Next chapter they will be out of the house I swear!**_

_**Review and will we get a lot of Jim and Pam lovin' this season! ( We can only hope right?)**_

_**-jamfan2000-**_


	11. Chapter 10

_**Ah…feels so good to be back and writing again. Hope you guys had an awesome new years! ;) Who's ready for some Office? Enjoy :**_

**Savin' me chapter 10**

I couldn't comprehend the breaths it took for me to walk inside this stone cold building filled with devastating stories, wrong turns and the mistaken highway exits that these people have taken. I lost it. I completely lost it. There I was just sitting there, listening to her story, listening to her tell the therapist that I have may or may not be one of the main reasons for her down fall. Granted I wasn't supposed to be listening in on their private conversation, but I couldn't help myself. Not being able to help her and being this close to her was like a death sentence. And now I really found my need for the electric chair. It was my fault. I made her "deplete" as the therapist would call it. There was other things in her life that was also mentioned, her sister Penny still wandering along the paths of the party scene and always wondering if she was okay; her parents are fighting a lot more these days and she starting less and less to have a hold on reality. I am a jerk. I listened for a good bit of their conversation, but how can I help if she won't talk to me? Nope, still a jerk. I had no right. I should have waited until she could come to me. But what if she never came to me? What if I was next to her for months just waiting and waiting for the day she would tell me the lava burning underneath her skin, that even after all those months would still keep it burning underneath? Pushing me even farther from her till I ended up across the country? My mind has fought itself quite a lot today.

I watched the other people in the group. There was a couple around our age who couldn't stop crying through their whole scoop of tragedy. I felt the deep tear in my stomach worsen as I watched the man listen to his girlfriend sob about how she lost the "appetite for life" after they had lost their daughter only five months after she had been born. She looked even worse than Pam did. Her bones were clearly trying to stretch out her skin and I've never been able to see a skull so apparent in my life.

When Pam's turn had come around she almost refused instantly. She barely said three words. She said the most heart breaking words I have ever come out of her mouth. "I need help." Tears had already beaten her before the words even came out. Nobody pushed her. Nobody forced her to stand up and tell her story. They had said in the beginning, "Just say what you feel comfortable saying. We are only here to help, not give you a class on public speaking." The joke was obviously ignored for many reasons, but the middle age dark haired woman just smiled and led us to the circle. Around the group people had just nodded and gave their own sympathetic understanding look. In the worst way it frustrated me. That even a group of strangers understood her when I couldn't. I felt so far away, like I was floating around in the air while everyone else was stuck on solid grounds. I was even surprised to hear her talking so diligently to the therapist. What was wrong with me? What made her so well off talking to everyone else, but when it came to me she brushed me off her shoulder like a piece of fuzz clutching desperately to her fabric?

I sighed and walked a few paces from the dark freezing brick. I sat down on top of a small wooden bench that I was sure wasn't supposed to be a bench, but I didn't care. I felt so numb from the cold inside the building that I couldn't even feel the cold layer on top of my skin. I wrapped my arms in front of my chest hoping to find some warmth left there. _Please come to me Pam. _ I couldn't help pray to myself. _Let me be your shoulder you lean on._ As if my prayer was answered I heard the side door opening with a soft _clink_. I look up and see that it was indeed Pam standing there wrapped in her coat, staring down at me with water logged eyes.

"Hey. I was wondering where you went off too." She had spoken so softly I almost didn't hear her. "Yeah, I just needed some fresh air." My voice sounded rather congested. Her face looked a little complex so I stood up to get a better angle. "I have a little longer in there." She confessed. "Okay." I nod, not really knowing what else to say; feeling the gut wrenching burn in the pit of my stomach thinking of everything I can't do right for her. The silence was pestering until she surprised me. "You don't have to stay. I can call a cab home." I looked into her eyes. I saw a slight reflection of the cloudy grey sky above us, while the other lay with irony. "I want to stay." While the words were simple enough, my reply was anything but. "Jim, seriously, you have to take care of yourself too." She mine as well have been screaming, "Get the hell outta here Jim!" In the heat of the moment I couldn't take it anymore. "Do you want me to leave? Is that what you're saying?" The look on her face makes me want to drive myself into the ground. How could I be so stupid?

"What are you talking about? I just don't want you to suffer because of me!" Her shriek catches me off guard, watching her eyes fill with tears simultaneously. "I'm the reason you _are _suffering Pam!" I jet out of my ridiculously big mouth. Her mouth stifles. For a moment I watch as she pieces each puzzle piece together. Then, her red flaming eyes astonished me to my very core. "You listened in on my therapy session?" Her voice rose and I swore I have never seen Pam like this before. "I...Wasn't...I didn't..." I stutter, but she rips every word from my lips, leaving blood trickling down my chin. "What is wrong with you? How could you invade my privacy like that? You had no right!" She yelled. I know I am on dangerous grounds, but I still end up forcing in, "You wouldn't talk to me!" As if that made a good excuse.

"And now you are still wondering that, _really? _Isn't it obvious why now? Since apparently you know _everything!" _ It was like a snake was hissing at me. "Well okay Jim. I wanted you back here so bad, that I just stopped eating. I stopped eating because I knew your branch would close..." I hold up a hand trying to put an end to the painful revelations of her actually saying those unbearable words. "No! I wanted you to see me like this; I wanted you to see my entire essence on a billboard just thrown up there for everyone to see!" I try again to calm her down, but nothing could stop her at this point.

"I wanted you to see me _broken. _Because I mean that's attractive right? That's what's in these days?" I look down sensing her stop as she tries to hold in her tears. "You really wanna know Jim?" I shiver internally. She has never said my name like _that_ before. I shake my head "No" desperately. She ignores it. "I am in pain twenty-four hours a day Jim." I look up at her tears washing her face. "Mentally. Emotionally, Physically. I am _broken_. And I am completely in love with a man who deserves so much better than this." I watch in admiration as she sobs walking back into the building leaving me out here to wallow away the torn pieces from the sky above us. Now, I can't breathe.

And suddenly, it all fades to black.

_**More to come. Sorry so short, I was trying to write more after it, but it was just a perfect place to stop before my next big long chapter. I hope it didn't disappoint!**_

_**Reviews are making this Thursday's new episode (Of the Year! Whoo!) Of The Office, to come much much faster.**_

_**Love you guys, thanks for reading!**_

_**-Jamfan2000-**_


	12. Chapter 11

_**Ello! Back up with this story...YAY! No I haven't forgotten it. Although this time lapse seems to think so! Oh also, John Krasinski has a twitter account! Albeit, most of you fans probably already know. You should definitely check out the cool "From the future" Valentine's day Jam picture he posted. SO AWESOME~ **_

Chapter 11: The Light Meets the Dark

My fingers were securely in knots as I sat down alone with the rest of the group. I am stone cold and stuck in the inability to speak. Look what I have done now. I've gone and opened my mouth, letting the acid just swirl around leaking like a faucet. My tongue is completely burned from the words I produced. I look down at my fingers shaking. I rest my head in my hands trying to escape the stupidity.

_I'm in pain twenty-four hours a day Jim. I am broken. And completely in love with a man who deserves so much better than this._ I squeeze my fists together lifting my head from the place I'd rather be. I watch everyone around me, then at the empty chair beside me. _How could I have screwed this up so badly? _ I wipe a tear that was rushing to come down in the mist of the chaos. I feel my head swirling and my body start moving without my consent. 

"Pam, are you okay?" I barely hear running towards the hallway and outside into the lowering sun. My air seems to be taken away from as I try to catch my breath as fast as I can. I grab onto the brick wall as I continue to cling to air. I fall to my knees letting tears running faster than I can feel them. My forehead makes contact with the dark bench beside me and I'm barely breathing now. The swirling is getting more complicated now, deeper into the sun that's now hiding behind the trees. Just before I feel my body giving up I feel hands grabbing my shoulders with such intensity that I almost tumble forwards against the bench. "Pam, breathe please." The voice is so far away I can't feel my body responding. I try to scream for it to move, but nothing's working. Suddenly I am breathing heavy squeezing so hard on the bench; my fingers are denting each crevice.

"I think she's dehydrated." I heard a woman's voice. Hearing her voice made me realize that Jim wasn't there. That I screwed up. _Again. _My body is trembling and my heart is taking swings against my chest. _It's not supposed to be like this_, my cruel mind reminds me. I let wandering hands pull me up and walking me back inside. Everything else melted away like a wet canvas that was being swallowed in a rainstorm.

I blinked a couple of times feeling myself wake into an eerie light. "Jim" was the first thing I coaxed out but no one responded. "Jim." I try again but was only met with silence. I can't believe this is happening again. I fully open my eyes and see myself lying in a small room. "Hey Pam. How ya feeling?" A sudden voice met me halfway as I was trying to sit up. "Whoa take it easy there. You had a bit of a doozy outside."

"I'm okay, a little tired." I mutter out between the brightness of the lights and the woman with dark brown hair suddenly coming into vision. "Yeah that's usually the aftermath of a panic attack." I look around. "I had a panic attack?" my voice a little hoarse. "Yes, you don't remember?" I shake my head. "I just remember feeling very sick." She nods. "You were a trooper. Thankfully, you waited until we came inside before you passed out." She gives an earnest chuckle. She elaborates those last words by handing me a cup of water. I drank it down quickly. I take a deep breath. "Where's Jim?" I ask slowly. "Who's Jim?" A slight stabbing pain in my stomach. "He's my…" Some many words I wish I could use right now. _My rock, my shoulder, my best friend, my other half. _All of those words sounded worthless when I've screwed up things already with him again. I can see her watching me waiting for an answer. "He came with me today." I end up saying. I didn't have the soul to say anything else. She shook her head. "I'm sure he's around here somewhere." She smiles supportively. I nod, not falling into the hoax that wrapped around the room. I sure wouldn't still be hanging around me right now. She walks out of the room for a moment as I take this moment to close my eyes again. My body feels so empty. Feels so useless. I look down at my boney fingers and curse myself. How did this become my life? All I wanted was some control. To finally be the Pam I've always wanted to be. I hold back my tears as I hear her walk into the room again. I look down at her hand and see a cookie in her hand. I stare at it. _Carbs. _ I shake my head pushing it away. She hands the cookie to me wordlessly and walks back out. I stare down at the substance.

"I can do this." I whisper slowly bringing the cookie into my mouth. The first bite was so hard. I felt like my stomach couldn't make up its mind whether it wanted to throw it up or keep it down. I kept chewing thinking of Jim the whole time; praying that each chew would be his footsteps coming back to me. I feel the tears rolling down my cheek as I go in for another bite. I hold my stomach trying to stop the pain from intensifying. I put the cookie down and take a deep breathing I chew faster than before pushing the cookie down my throat. I drink the next cup of water waiting right next to me, trying to wash the taste out of my mouth.

I squeeze my fists together against my pants. I let my tongue roam my mouth taking the final swallow. I put my head in my hands and sob softly. I feel proud and hopeless at the same time. _Where's Jim? _ My mind keeps muttering to itself. _I need you Jim. I'm sorry I'm so stupid._ I continue to let the tears run out getting tired of holding my head up with my weak arms. Just when the moment comes and I can't take anymore I feel arms around me. So tight and solid. _Jim._ I lean my head on his shoulder and whisper "Jim." His arms get tighter around my waist. "Shh. It's okay Pam. I'm right here." I sob into his shirt letting my body turn to mush.

"Are you okay? They said you had a panic attack." His voice corrupted with worry. I shake my head. I wasn't really sure what my answer seemed to be, but he seemed to take it. His arms just pull me against him harder. I hear a small sniffle. My heart shatters against the light when I realize that it's Jim crying. His head his against mine suddenly as I watch as I destroy each part of his beautiful smile, leaving panicky tears in the wake.

He leans back and wipes my tears away. "Pam, listen I'm so …." Before he can finish I break through his conscience. "No, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this." I start to sob again and I feel his fingers against my hair. "Hey, stop that. I'm here and I want to be here. I'm _going_ to be here." A silent pause and I hear a soft whisper against my shoulder. "I deserve you. I want you." I lean into his chest and hear his heartbeat. It's so soothing against my ears. "And I swear I will never listen in on your therapy sessions again, I hate that I betrayed your trust." I look up and see tears in his eyes. This only makes more tears come into my eyes. Before I can answer he continues. "Whenever or if ever you want to tell me anything, I'll be here to listen." I lean my forehead against his chest for a moment. "I want to tell you things, but do you know how horrible it is to look at you while this is happening to me? Sitting in that dumb circle, letting my mistakes just roams around my head while you sit there and watch?" My voice starts to escalate. "Pam…" I cut him off desperately. "No!" He steps backwards shocked at the outburst. "I'm just so tired of this. I'm so tired of being afraid, of being here." Tears are raining down my cheeks. "I'm so tired of lying to myself." I raise my eyes to meet his. He stares back intensely. "I'm just so sorry that it had to happen this way. That you had to be here…while I'm like this." I look down again. "That I lost control trying to be in control." I close my eyes and think back. How I'd wish I would have just kissed him senseless, forgetting Roy, forgetting the whole world. Maybe, if I had just done that, we would be happy and together and I wouldn't be in this mess. But that was then and this is now. I find him staring at me again. I feel him move closer dragging his fingertips down my arms. "Pam." He whispers against my forehead before kissing it softly. I don't look up yet. I'm scared of what he could say, what he could do. I slowly start to shake feeling my stomach swirling around trying to climb up my throat. "Make it stop Jim please..." I cry desperately into his being. "Hey, I'm going to get you through this. We are going to get through this. You are going to be back to my Pam in no time." I sniff slowly. _My Pam._ It sounds so amazing in my head but in reality it couldn't feel so far away.

I shake my head. He holds me again. Something stops him this time though. "Did you eat this?" His eyes filled with hope as the cookie lies limp in his hand. I shake my head wondering if this feeling will ever go away. How long he is going to look hopeful and disappointed when I don't finish something on my plate. A grin spreads across his face. "And you didn't throw up?" I look up at him my eyes glazed over. "Not yet." He kisses my forehead about a dozen times. "I am so proud of you Beesly." His words making me tremble from head to toe. How can he be so proud of that? Two barely if they could be even called "bites." It's pathetic. I keep my head down looking at the floor. His hand drifts over mine and I hold my tongue from producing more tears.

Just as I feel myself getting over the fact that I didn't throw up, I feel my stomach take a turn for the worst. I jump off just barely catching my feet and rushing to the little trash can in the corner. I feel Jim rushing behind me. "Pam!" He calls out his hand finding my back. I let everything slide back up my throat which honestly makes me throw up even more. I pull back trembling all over my body. "Dammit!" I yell out kicking the trash can against the wall and smothering myself down to sobs. "Hey, hey everything's going to be okay Pam." I hear Jim's breath catch in his throat and that only makes me sob harder. I don't even think he believes that anymore.

It was quiet on the way home and even though Jim's hand held strongly against mine in my lap. I just knew that something was ticking in his brain. That maybe this was too hard. Maybe he made a mistake not leaving me at the hospital to stay with Karen. He should leave. He should go back with Karen. My mind chants against me. Even though I love him so much and I don't want him to go. I can't do this to him anymore. _"I deserve you. I want you." _ I tears soak my eye lids as I look over at him to only find him looking at me. He doesn't deserve me. He deserves better. He smiles sweetly lifting my hand up to kiss it. The sweeter he is the more my heart breaks and the more I internally beg myself to stop doing this to him. I lean my head against the cold glass suddenly feeling claustrophobic. I feel my knuckles straining against my tight hold on the arm rest underneath the door handle. I don't realize the tears are flowing freely until I feel Jim's hand on my cheek. I look over at him watching as he turns into my apartment complex slowly putting it in park.

He turns off the car and unbuckles his seatbelt briefly letting his hand leave my cheek to do so. He turns back to me while I sit still as if my muscles are on strike. I look straight ahead at the narrow building feeling his hand on my cheek again. I turn towards him again only slightly this time. He brings his other hand up to my other cheek forcing me to look him in the eyes. Just when I feel like he is going to say something I suddenly feel his lips against mine. It was so gentle, so soft and ended so quick I wouldn't have even known it was a kiss if my breathing hadn't stopped for the moment. His lips felt just like I remembered. He pulls back and looks me in the eyes. I feel my heart beating ten times it's normally capacity. I close my eyes again falling against his forehead. He holds my head gently for a few more moments.

"Let's go inside okay?" He whispers against my ear. I nod not having the urge to move. Before I know what's happening he's outside my door helping me inside. He grabs my keys from his pocket, not even remembering when he unlocked the door. He walks me over to the couch getting up to briefly close the front door. I watch as he goes inside my small kitchen and grabs my teal teapot and places it on the stove. I watch him fill it up with water his hands so strong holding something so fragile. I close my eyes finding myself dreaming of a moment that I wished I had told Jim how I felt; how badly each day made me crumble further into my, at the time "solid plan." I inhale feeling my ribcage pressing harshly against my chest. My hands start to shake again in my lap. I put them between my legs to control them. I feel the taste in my mouth as if it were the first time and scrunch my eyebrows together. _Ugh. _ The bitterness of my stomach and the bareness of the cookie left dripping on the side of my mouth like a faucet. I close my eyes and stand moving towards the bathroom.

I walk inside shivering from the cold air and move towards the sink. I look ahead and find my reflection eagerly waiting for me. _Look what you've become. How's that plan working out for ya? _ My mind was constantly bringing me down, torturing me. I turn on the faucet looking away from my harsh reflection. I flick some water on my face glancing back up at myself again. I grab the toothbrush and clean my mouth, washing all of the filth away. I feel tears again taunting the back of eyes. I press my fingers at the edge of my head as if I were making a wish. I watch a tear slip from my eye and I reach up slowly to wipe it away. Suddenly I feel like I'm in a daunting painting that was left behind in the Dark Ages where people would come to gawk at my indefinable jagged qualities then leave me to rust in the rain.

"Pam?" His voice shakes the rhythm of my heartbeat. I look over and see his concerned face watching me. "Hi." I reply. "Hi" his voice softly grazing my cheeks. He pulls me into a side hug and kisses my temple. I sip my warm tea, letting it fill my inside holding me together. After a bit of silence I let out a small yawn. "Come on." He whispers and I let him drag me to my bedroom. I feel my body collapse before I even get to the bed. "Hey do you want to get dressed first?" His hushed words colliding with my pillow the same time my head does. "I'll be okay." He nods and I fall on my back making contact with his eyes. He leans down and takes off my shoes and socks. His hand feels so warm against my feet. He tucks me in and leans down and kisses my cheek. I suddenly reach up and give him a small kiss on the lips. He smiles and pushes some hair away from my face. "Goodnight." I close my eyes at his soothing voice. He stands up to leave my room and I panic. He turns towards me at the sound of his name. "Stay with me." He looks conflicted and I feel myself panic again. "Please." He nods and moves towards the other side of the bed.

He sees my tears and immediately wraps me up in his arms. "It's going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. I'm here always." He chants softly into my suddenly ringing ears. I lie down against his chest feeling so numb that I couldn't wait for him to exhale so I could breathe in some of his life.

_**I just realized that I didn't title my last chapter. I feel so ashamed! I hope you guys liked it. Merry Christmas to all! I asked Santa for reviews this year! Please don't be afraid to let that happen! **_

_**-Jamfan2000-**_


	13. Chapter 12

_**Hey everyone! You guys have been so patient awesome; just thank you guys so much for the support! This chapter is a little darker. Just a warning. It's always darkest before the dawn. (I think I'm still in shock that The Office is actually over, maybe once I get my Season 9 DVD in the mail, I'll re live the ending we've all been fighting)**_

Chapter 12: Is There Really Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

"_Jim" My voice makes room for no one. It was dark grey and black. No place for an artist. But I continue to let my footsteps lead me. Lead me to a place of unconventional things. Of darker things. "Jim?" I call again, hoping that his voice will be the light to my endless lifeless pathway. It was moments later and I still heard nothing. I was coming to the end of the road, a small light towards the end, pardon the metaphor, but it really was the light at the end of my tunnel. I was stepping on leaves and I kicked pebbles with the end of my shoes. What was happening? Why was I here? I heard a sound, almost like a large twig breaking in half. I looked up and I see it. I screamed._

A heavy noise woke me up from my nightmare, the image of the disturbed still rattled in my brain. I feel wetness on my cheek and realized that I had been crying. I wipe it off and look over to see Jim sleeping soundly behind me, arms faintly around me. I grab his hand cautiously, feeling the warmth spread through my fingertips. I slip out letting his hand fall. I close my eyes and the image comes back to me. I shake my head fighting tears opening my eyes to see him lying on the bed so graciously, you'd think he makes the word "home" feel like such an overestimated rumor. As I was fighting myself to climb back into the bed, the noise came again. I scrunch my eyebrows and find out it was the door that someone was behind. I walk out of the bedroom, closing the door lightly as I do, making my way to the front door. Into the peep hole there he was, Roy. I am quick to open it to stop the banging, but slow to recovery when I realized I had done so.

"Pam..." he voice filled with relief. "Roy" Pure professional manner, as if I hadn't spent the last nine years with him. He looks confused, but it is quick to vanish as he moves closer. "How are you? You haven't been returning my calls, I was worried." I look back at the closed door and decide to step outside. Roy moves back instantly. "I'm fine," trying to bring some step into my words. "Why haven't you answered the phone?" His calm gentle eyes rare to find, I step back and give us some air to breathe. "I've been busy." He takes a step forward. "I went upstairs to find you at work, but they said you had taken some leave time. And that you had fainted or something." I nod attempting to take everything in. "I was dehydrated." I complete my sentence with the last step towards the door, until his hand grabs me and pulls me close. "Baby, let me take care of you." In the corner of my eyes, I swore I saw the curtain move. I push away as the same image from before creeps back in. I shake my head. "Please stop Roy. We can't be together." I move inside. "Please Pam, it's you and me. It's us." It was a different feeling closing the door on something that you only knew for the last ten years of your life. I hear him right outside the door. Something that gave me chills. "Don't I deserve better than that?"  
I closed my eyes and the image hit me again for the fourth time that morning. I'm crushed I fall to the floor in a heap. Roy's voice ricocheted in my head but all I could picture was Jim. _You deserve better Jim._

A good ten minutes went by; by the time I got up, wiped my tears and found myself in my bedroom sitting on the corner of the bed, waiting as the faucet turned off in the bathroom. The door opens and the flash of light from the bathroom makes me think of the tunnel. I watch him stroll out as if he lived there. "Hey." Simple, elegant, _so him_. "Hi" Short, afraid, and to the point skipping details. _So me. _ His smile lifted me into places I've never been to before. He walks over to me and sits beside me on the bed, warmth overtakes me. He rubs his hand across my back. "How are you?" His eyes seeping through my soul. It just wasn't fair that he could see through me in every possible way. "hmm fine" I nod, feeling his fingertips across my aching bones. For a moment, everything just felt _good. _I close my eyes and take it in. I can feel him watching me. I open my eyes and meet his beautiful green ones. It was breathtaking the way you felt under his eyes. Like for a brief second in your life, you are taking somewhere far away, somewhere where the water is pure and the people are friendly. Because that's what he represents; Life the way it could be lived. The way it _should_ be lived. Before I know what I'm doing I'm on the island with him by my side and my lips press to his, so strongly. I feel in reality, not the water moving against our feet, but his fingertips resting against my cheek. With a smack of our lips we break and I can still hear the echo of it tapping my shoulder. He pulls me against him and hugs me. _So warm._ "What was that for?" his whisper only for my ears to hear. I just pull him closer and let it be.

It was a little after eleven, as I was sitting at the table, nibbling on my mini square toast, when I say it. "Roy came by today." His head pops up from his toast as he looks on, as if he's not sharing something he knows. He nods, dropping the baby toast. "Yeah?" I can tell by the distant response that maybe he was by a certain place by the window today. "Yeah." Another short, quick response. Suddenly I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I feel the nausea rise up but I push it away, dropping what's left of my toast on the plate. I look over at Jim, nibbling on his toast, thinking how pathetic this is that he is sitting here across from me, not even eating a decent breakfast. _Don't I deserve better than that?_

Tears lodge in my throat as I get up and move to sit on the couch clutching my hands into my hair. "Pam?" I hear his chair screeching across the floor, making me think of the twig breaking from my dreams. I clutch my hair harder. "Pam." I feel the cushion sinking in. "You have to leave." My words much harder to say than can possibly be described. I felt as though I tried to hit him with the way his I felt his body stiffen so harshly beside me. "What?" His voice barely reaching above an octave. "I need you to leave; I can't keep doing this to you anymore." "I'm not leaving you." His voice firm.

"It's time for you to leave, move on. Find happiness." I squeak out between my sobs. "I've already found it." I look up and meet his eyes. I can see the tears roaming around his eyes. "No." I say matter of fact, rising to my feet, hearing the scream resounding in my head. "No" I whisper again begging my subconscious to stop replaying my nightmare over and over again. He gets up and comes towards me. "Can't you see I'm here, I'm right here waiting for you. Always." _Look at him you're killing him._

I move away from his hands and my back hits the opposite wall. "Just leave, Jim." My mind resting against that wall behind me. His eyes are filled with tears before he can say anything I stop him. "I don't want you here." I look down at the floor, knowing if I look up he will see all the lies, all my true pleas, all the air I need to breathe with him next to me, but I can't. I don't deserve his paradise eyes, or his warmth or love. Another woman does, a better woman. Not a broken woman. I sob out loud cringing to myself as I say those words in my head. He watches me for a moment then moves to the other side of the couch grabbing his keys and walking out the door. A hiccup escapes me as I watch the last of his broad shoulders find daylight. He was the light at the end of my tunnel.

_I was stepping on leaves and I kicked pebbles with the end of my shoes. What was happening? Why was I here? I heard a sound, almost like a large twig breaking in half. I looked up and I see it. I screamed. I can see him so clearly. He was there, drenched in blood, hanging by a thread; and there I sat watching it break and his bones shatter to the ground. It was by far the most horrific sight I have ever encountered. I see a shadow towards the right. It was me, all dressed in black, hair slick with disgrace, she, I, was holding the end of a rope, the rope he was tied with. This can't be right. "What are you screaming about?" The voice of my dreadful self-came to me with a whiff of a scorching foul odor. I look over at her eyes, my eyes so dead, so evil. "Look at him, you killed him!" She screamed at me. I sobbed. "You killed him." She shoved the bloody rope in my face. I backed away, looking at Jim, broken on the ground; covered in dirt and pride and love, spilled all over the ground. "What have you done?!" I cry out. I watch as my shadow walks towards him, towards the edge of an unknown cliff, the moon sitting high, daunting on us. "What have I done?" she repeats twisting the rope in her hand, her fingers turning a bright red. She comes around to me again closer to my face. Ghostly white, stale teeth and a heart made of pure rot. "Just what you wanted." Her whisper even more chilling up close. It was then I see Jim's hand clutching the dirt, he starts to move, lifting his head, his eyes black, soulless, heartless. "Look what you've done to me Pam." _

_**Whew! Okay, I know I got a little scary at the end there, but hey it's psychology. When the body is not getting enough of something, to me it goes into this mode. Scary and unpredictable. But anyway, I hope you guys aren't too peeved about taking Jim away again, don't worry I just wanted to make it interesting, soon fluff is going to come in so many doses you won't be able to handle it ;) **_

_**You guys are awesome! Thanks for reading!**_

_**Reviews are like Jim's look to the camera, if he stops doing it, how will my heart go on? **_

_**-Jamfan2000- **_


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